


they can't see you like i can

by arukana



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Inspired by Black Mirror, Just angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 19:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21361741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arukana/pseuds/arukana
Summary: Akechi Goro learns that forgiving is not forgetting and that neither of those two things are easy to do.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 22
Kudos: 38





	they can't see you like i can

Goro’s the first one to use the block.

They’re having an argument. It’s about something stupid, at first, neither of them really remember. Something they always argue about like how Goro’s working all the time or how Ren didn’t clean the dishes that particular night. It ends up quite vicious.

Because Ren doesn’t take anything seriously and Goro takes everything too seriously, they both end up flinging insults that hurt too much to be anything but truthful.

Ren says he’s turning out just like his father and Goro presses the button without even thinking about it.

For a minute, it’s peaceful. Nothing but Morgana’s mewling and muffled shouting filling his ears. It might be the most quiet he’s heard Ren since they met.

He takes a seat on their couch and closes his eyes so the staticy mess that his boyfriend has become can’t try and disturb him.

Ren gives up. Eventually. He takes Mona with him. Goro figures Ren can have their bed tonight. He’s not happy about it, but he doesn’t have any fight left in him.

He must start crying at some point, silently letting the tears come out, because his pillow on the couch feels wet. It’s stupid. He knows Ren didn’t mean it, but he still lets it get under his skin. He can’t shake it. Ren knows what it means to say that. He knows how awful it is.

Maybe he was right, Goro thinks as he lets out a single choked sob, maybe he is turning out like his father. Far more ambition than he has kindness, too few morals. A superiority complex. The thought eats away at him for hours as he notes down every similarity they share.

It must be around 2am when Morgana climbs onto the couch to comfort him. He wonders if Ren can hear him sobbing like he’s underwater, too garbly and muffly. Hopefully not. That’s far too pitifully pathetic.

There’s not enough hours in the night for him to be able to get enough sleep. He has to be up at 6am to go to work. Ren’s not awake, which isn’t abnormal; Ren usually gets up just in time to kiss him goodbye. That doesn’t happen that morning. Goro leaves too early.

It’s 11am when he gets a text message. He can’t see Ren in his contact photo. Or on his phone background.

**Ren** : can i still bring you lunch?

It’s routine that Ren eats lunch with him in the park outside the police station during his break from uni on Fridays.

**Goro** : I can buy my own.

**Ren** : please? i have to apologise

**Goro** : No shit.

**Ren** : i love you

**Ren** : i’m so sorry

**Ren** : i feel awful

**Ren** : please let me bring you lunch

**Goro** : Fine.

He doesn’t want to unblock him yet. He wants to let him stew for a few minutes during lunch, staring at a corrupted file of a person. Ren would deserve it.

Goro doesn’t. He misses his boyfriend.

He’s so angry at him, so fucking furious, but he still loves him. Ren’s the only one he’s ever loved like that, the only person he ever felt like he could confide in. He’s the only person he wants to talk about how he feels with.

So, when he sees the black and white and grey abyss come to stand at his side, holding a bag in his hands, he just unblocks him without looking at him.

“Thank you,” Ren says, leaning forward to hug him. He tries to kiss him, but Goro turns away.

“Sit down.”

Ren does, he gives Goro an apologetic look before he takes his things out of the bag.

“I’m angry at you.”

“I know. Goro, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“I can’t believe you said that to me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It was awful.”

“I know, Goro, please listen-“

“You know what he did to me. And you said- and you  _ still _ said-“

Ren gets up, putting the bag on the floor, to wrap his arms around Goro. “Goro-“

“Don’t touch me,” he flinches, startling away from Ren’s grip.

Ren sits back down. Good.

“How could you say that to me?”

“I just- I wasn’t thinking. We were both saying awful things and I-“

“Don’t. I’d  _ never _ say anything like that to you.”

“No, we both said cruel things.”

“Then you don’t understand why I’m angry.”

Ren pushes Goro’s sandwich across to him over the table. “I do understand, Goro. But you said-“

“ _ You _ said I was turning out like the man who abused me my whole fucking childhood,” he whispers, gritting his teeth. “The man who drove my mother to…”

No. He’s not getting into that. Not in public.

Ren gets a rather guilty look on his face at that. Not that it’s particularly undeserved. The fact that it’s taken him this long to really  _ get  _ why Goro’s so mad is flooring. Maybe he doesn’t know Ren as well as he thought he did.

“I apologise for the things I said to you. But how can I be with someone who thinks I’m going to end up abusive and sick and-“

“I don’t think that, Goro.”

“But you  _ said _ it.”

“I didn’t mean it. You have to know that.”

Goro’s silent. He  _ does _ know that. It’s the only thing stopping him from tearing Ren a new one in the middle of the park.

“I’m sorry,” Ren says, placing a hand atop Goro’s across the table. He doesn’t pull away. “I’m gonna do better, okay? I’ll stop leaving the flat a mess every time you come home from work, I’ll stop getting on your case about how much you work, I’ll be such a good little house husband. I’m gonna make it up to you.”

Goro doesn’t want any of that, not really. He likes Ren the way he is. The way he  _ was _ . He shakes his head, “You don’t need to do that.”

“But, I-“

“Just eat with me, for now. We’ll deal with the rest later.”

Ren’s made him his favourite comfort food. Just cheese and bread with the crusts off. He knows, of course, that Goro’s mother used to make those for him when they were poor and he was picky. It was something easy, something cheap. He’d make her cut the crusts off because Goro didn’t want his hair to start curling. She’d eat them with him most of the time, they’d share them like secrets in the chill of their barely 10 square metre apartment.

When he got passed along to his father, he’d demanded a more refined palate. It had been a lot of sushi and kaiseki and foreign things he couldn’t pronounce like caviar and beef bourguignon. He doesn’t much care for luxury anymore.

When he gets home that night, he pulls Ren into their bedroom and they have make-up sex. It’s terrific.

Although, Ren keeps telling him he loves him and Goro keeps finding himself unable to say it back.

Goro wonders while it’s happening if it can still be classed as make-up sex if Goro’s only doing it to try and convince himself that this is still what’s right. That they still fit together like a long-suffering jigsaw. There’s no forgiveness in it. Just unfiltered desperation.

“You really hurt me,” he says into the darkness with Ren’s arms holding him close.

Ren’s breathing slow, guiltless. He’s asleep.

“I’m scared that I don’t know how to move past it.”

He’s always been petty like that.

Saturdays are the one day of the week Goro lets himself relax. He doesn’t have work and he doesn’t force himself out of bed to go cycling like he does on Sundays. Usually, he just watches Ren sleep until he wakes up too, wasting the minutes away petting Mona or quietly listening to the radio.

Ren’s not even in bed when Goro wakes up that morning. Neither is Mona.

It’s annoying, frankly, when Ren comes back in with a tray that smells delicious. It’s coffee and rice and fish with some miso soup on the side. He’s drawn a heart in the coffee with the cream.

Goro tries. He’s trying really hard. He gives him a weak smile and attempts to hide it with a kiss on his cheek, “Thank you.”

“I love you, Goro. With everything I have.”

He doesn’t say sorry again. He must know how much Goro hates hearing it.

It won’t change anything, not really. It won’t take it back.

It’s better, for a while. Goro learns how to hide the hurt in his eyes when he looks at Ren, figuring maybe fake it until you make it might work for love too. He lets him make him all the breakfasts in bed and lunches and dinners he wants, accepts all the flowers and chocolates and gifts Ren will give him. 

They go to their friends’ parties and Goro acts until he gets drunk enough that it’s not an act anymore, slurs his words and finally tells Ren he loves him enough times that he starts to believe it again. When they find their way to the bathroom he pushes Ren in the tub and kisses him, he makes himself sick with it.

He asks Ren to carve their initials into one of the trees at the park. They consummate it with a quick and dirty fuck in a public bathroom stall, because Goro doesn’t want to bring it home with them.

It’s not long before they argue again. When you’re dancing on glass with somebody, you can’t just pretend that everything's fine. You can see the punishing waters below and you know it’s going to crack eventually, already know how it all ends. It’s only a matter of time before you start bleeding. Before you fall.

Ren’s heavy-footed and careless. Goro waltzes on tip-toe.

“This  _ again _ , Goro? For fuck’s  _ sake _ , I’ve done everything I fucking can to make it up to you!”

“I’m not going to fucking apologise for being hurt. I’m  _ not  _ sorry that you can’t make it up to me.”

“I’ve been  _ trying _ ! Does that not count for anything?”

“No! No, it fucking doesn’t! You don’t get it, Ren. You don’t know what it fucking did to me, hearing you say that.”

“‘Cause you won’t let me in! You never talk to me about anything anymore!”

“Because I don’t fucking  _ trust  _ you anymore, Ren! How can I when you took my deepest insecurity and turned it against me for stupid, petty points?”

“For crying out loud. I don’t think I can do this anymore, Goro.”

“Right. Of course. That’s just like you. Just fucking give up when things get a little bit tough, Ren. I’ve been trying for weeks to forgive you, but who cares? It’s getting a little bit hard for you, so let’s just give up.”

“Goro. Shut the fuck- No, you know what?” he takes his remote out of his pocket.

“You fucking dare. Fucking  _ dare _ , Ren.”

Ren clicks the button and he immediately turns into static.

Goro’s fists clench on their own. He doesn’t say anything, he can’t bring himself to shout when he knows firsthand that it won’t get through to him. Ren justs sits there like Goro had done, watching him.

The glass starts cracking under his feet. He won’t let himself cry.

If he wants him to explode, to get angry at him, to pressure him until he says something worse to Ren, he won’t be giving him the satisfaction. He turns on his heel, giving Morgana a head scratch before he retires to their bedroom. He’s not tired. He just reads with the bedside lamp on.

Ren must have some fucking nerve, because he joins him a few hours later. He’s nothing but a distorted ghost, standing at the side of the bed, pulling his shirt off over his head. Goro watches, if only to unnerve him, seeing the shirt come back into his vision. It’s blue, it’s familiar, Goro’s worn it a million times before. It’s all he has right now.

After Ren has slid under the duvet to lie next to Goro, his phone buzzes.

**Ren** : could you turn the lamp off?

**Goro** : No. I’m reading.

**Ren** : please don’t do this. i’m exhausted

**Goro** : And I’m reading.

He hears a muffled sigh and knows he’s won.

He sleeps with the lamp on too, just to be petulant.

The next time he opens his eyes, it’s because Mona’s meowing has woken him up as he pads across the mattress. Ren’s not lying next to him. It’s 5am.

Figuring he may as well just get up now, he switches the lamp off and finds his way to their kitchen. There’s a coffee steaming on the counter. No heart this time. Ren must not have been up for long.

“Goro? Can you come out here?”

The block has been removed, then.

Cradling his mug in his arms like a lifeline or an eject button, he joins Ren out on their tiny balcony. It’s awkward. The space is barely made for two and Goro’s bike already takes up most of the room. They’re too close. It’s suffocating.

“How long have you been up?”

“I never went to sleep.”

Goro pulls his lips to one side, taking a sip, “Because of the lamp?”

“No. Not really.”

“Oh. Right.”

“I thought it was because of the block. Every time you’d breathe it was like you were drowning. But even after I removed it, I-”

“I get it.”

“Never go to bed angry, right?”

“Sure.”

It’s chilly. Not that it’s surprising, really, it’s 5am in November. Ren’s put his shirt back on, the familiar one that Goro knows is soft to touch. Goro’s still just in his pajama pants, not having expected to be coming out on the balcony. “C’’mere?” he says after Goro shivers so hard he spills coffee on his hands.

He’s too tired to fight anymore. With Ren, with himself. It feels like the easiest thing in the world to just give in and let Ren put his arm around his shoulder, to rest his head on Ren’s shoulder, to make another attempt at forgiveness.

“I miss you.”

Ren lets out a breath, somewhere between a sigh of relief and a laugh, “I’m right here.”

He doesn’t get it. That’s okay.

“ _ No, not you. I miss  _ my  _ Ren, the one who loves me. The Ren I have in my head. _ ”

People can be so disappointing. Goro can’t figure out why he never learns that. Why he always clings to hope.

“Did you mean what you said?”

“What did I say?” Goro thinks it’s funny that Ren has to ask for clarification.

“You can’t do this anymore.”

“Well, I-”

“Because I think I agree with you.”

“... You- what?”

“I don’t know that I can do this with you anymore. I hate fighting but I don’t know how to not be mad at you.”

“Goro, you don’t mean that. We can move past this.”

He pulls out of his hold, “ _ You _ can move past this. I can’t let it go. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Together. We have to start together. You can’t just walk away now-”

“Don’t act like I haven’t been trying. Please.”

“You’re gonna leave me because of one stupid thing I didn’t even mean? That’s not fair.”

Goro turns to go back inside, setting his coffee on the table to rub his temples, “Please don’t be a child about this. You know nothing’s been the same since we had that argument. Things have changed.”

“Nothing’s changed for me-”

“You’re lying to yourself. I’m different, I’ve been trying my hardest to avoid this. I’ve been desperately trying to fix us. We’re supposed to be easy, Ren, and it’s just not anymore.”

“Relationships aren’t supposed to be easy. There’s supposed to be hard work and- and compromise and-”

“Not  _ us _ . This is the only thing I’ve ever had that was good. Don’t make me ruin it.”

“Goro, you can’t just-”

“Please.”

“Would you just  _ listen  _ to me?”

“What could you possibly say to me right now? I’m going to go get ready, you shouldn’t expect me back,” he says, trying to get back into the hall. Ren steps in front of him.

“Goro, please-”

He sets his jaw, “You’re going to make me do something I’ll regret.”

“You’re going to regret  _ this _ , Goro. Please stop and think about it.”

“I have! It’s all I’ve been thinking about for weeks, Ren! Get out of my way!”

“No, not until we have a real conversation-”

“ _ Fine _ . This is your fault,” he ducks under Ren’s arms, going in their room to retrieve his remote from his bedside table.

“Please, no. Goro, you don’t have to-” 

Click.

He lets himself cry once Ren can’t see him, drops his remote to the bed and puts his head in his hands as he shakes. “I’m sorry,” he sobs, hunched over and heaving.

It doesn’t matter. Ren can’t hear it.

It takes him a while to calm down.

He packs a bag and pets Mona before he goes. Ren’s sitting on the couch with the bottle of whiskey they had been saving. He can feel his eyes on him as he stares at the gap where his boyfriend should be.

The ghost gets up, slides a piece of paper across the counter to him.

_ I love you. _

Goro traces his fingers across the ink, tender and gentle. He takes the paper, folds it in half, in half and in half and puts it in his wallet.

He feels the red string of fate unravel.

**Author's Note:**

> i might add to this. i have some ideas for maybe a happier ending but who knows!


End file.
